If I ran a terrorist cell
Typical morning. I wake up, I turn on the TV, I eat some Lay's Potato Chips(mm breakfast), and what's the first thing I see? Something on the Home and Garden Network. Because my roommate Kevin constantly has that channel on, hoping to gain some insight on the world of making over people's basements and second bedrooms.
So I turn the channel to my boredom station, CNN Headline News, and of course, some damn middle easterner has blown himself up on a bus, train, parking lot, intersection, Starbucks or some other public location intended to cause traffic delays. As if traffic in Lebanon wasn't already shitty. He may be going to the afterlife and having lots of sex with his 47 virgins, but what's he going to do after the 47th session of intercourse? Be BORED, that's what.
Plus since everybody and their mother is blowing themselves up for the sake of their beliefs, be it hatred of everything west of Uzbekistan, their holy land is dominated by horrible bastards, or they just think the bus is taking too long and they've had a bad day; no one really cares anymore. I mean, no, we care that people are dying and what not. But you're not exactly a martyr to be remembered if you're the seventh person who blew up outside the Tastee Freeze this week. Hell, even people in the middle east are jaded by it now. It's only a matter of time before they have their own version of Punk'd where would be terrorists get on a bus, reveal their explosive device, scream out praises to Allah, and press a button, and BAM! Ashton Kutcher jumps through a hole in the roof and laughs like a maniacal hyena. And everyone on the bus has a good hearty laugh. And then someone ELSE actually blows up the bus and Punk'd gets mercifully canceled(in a perfect world).
What I'm saying is, no one REALLY cares anymore. It sucks and it's sad, and it would be nice if it stopped, but when was the last time you heard someone say "Jerry, I'd love to hit the bar tonight, but gosh darn it, all those nice people in Iraq are dying and I can't seem to get that off of my mind. Those poor towel wearing bastards". Now count on your hand the number of times you've heard a supposedly "enlightened" person say the following "We should just blow up the entirety of the middle east and be done with it". You can't because you don't have that many fingers. And not because you're missing some due to explosive devices.
No one cares, and no one really understands what these stupid bastards want. They just fling themselves at a moving vehicle, blow up and 27 people are wounded, and six are dead. Well, five people are dead, and one retarded dink with a stick of dynamite up his butt.
These cells need to be re-worked, and take a little bit of time and effort and come up with a mission statement. Something BESIDES "Death to America" and "Bush is the Devil" or whatever they keep chanting outside our embassies. I kind of wish I could run one of these cells, just so I could, you know, talk some sense into them, maybe get them some kind of goal. I mean, I know their goal is to kill us all like the talking goat people we are, but since these are more of a grass roots kind of terror cells, mom and pop terror if you will, get them thinking on a more local level, that doesn't involve them blowing themselves up.
First of all, how about hurling grenades and dynamite as opposed to wearing it. It can't be all that comfortable anyway. Plus you can probably destroy more stuff because you can throw two or three grenades before making a break for it. As opposed to one centralized blast. Plus if you make a mistake, you can learn from it.
"Achmed, you see how you didn't pull the pin on that grenade? It didn't blow up, and therefore no one felt the wrath of Joe's Terror Cell Tehran. Now if we wanna be the top Terror Cell in Tehran, we have GOT to pull those pins buddy. Okay? ... Okay? .. You wanna an ice cream? Let's get an ice cream. But first let's get that left hand of yours lopped off to prove your commitment to a mistake free grenade tossing"
Secondly, Im not sure why terrorists enjoy the bus bombing so very, very much. Who are they targeting with this? People who can't afford cabs? So poor people, or people who are environmentally aware? Plus this can't be good for the bus business of Israel. Im sure the terrorists have had to use the bus before, other than blowing it up of course, and frankly that's not good business on their part. They should try blowing things up they don't need, because there's going to come a day when one of them NEEDS to get downtown because they have to MC a gang raping of three British POW's, and they can't make it because the whole city has like four buses. Try blowing up things like McDonalds, and reality T.V. show sets.
Next, I think the incentive plan for terrorists needs to be improved. The 47 virgin thing while great, it also excludes anyone who isn't particularly into the whole Crazy Terrorists Belief Religion, and that kind of pigeon holes you on your recruits. Sure you've got your brainwashed, AK-47 toting youth, but you also should get some people with different skill sets. Perhaps decorators, chauffeurs, aficionados, negotiators, etc. Offer a pension plan, and perhaps a really good life insurance policy, seeing as how it's a dangerous line of work. Just open yourself up to other walks of life, is all. It'll help you grow as a Terror Cell, but also as person. And that's what important.
Maybe I'm trying to westernize the whole terrorist thing. Maybe the point of terror isn't to understand it, but frankly, I can't see what they're trying to achieve. Because they sure aren't achieving anything. People are dying, but so what? Their deaths are a 30 second spot in between the 7 day outlook and the big blockbuster trade between the Yankees and the Angels. Good job terrorists. Im not stricken with terror, nor do I feel the need to change the way I view things or how I go about things. Way to go.
Douchebags. Quit blowing people up. It's not doing anything. Listen to Yanni music or get into toothpick model making. I don't know, but calm down, and drink some Nyquil. You're wound kind of tight and I think you need to chill. Instead of making "demands", why don't you "ask" for a few things and maybe we'd try to figure out a way to work things out. But probably not. Because, afterall. You are douchebags.
Sorry if this kind of offended anyone. The "towel wearing" comment was made in context of a dumb racist character who felt sympathy for them, like a person who feels bad for a dying bird on a sidewalk. In a condescending way. I personally think Muslims are OK people. Although I don't know any personally, they sure seem nice on T.V. Also, the Home and Garden channel isn't that bad, and isn't entirely "Gay". Furthermore I apologize to any terrorist this may have offended, and I know that they are just "doin' they're thang". I apologize to anyone who reads this, thinking that this was the new Dave Barry essay. It's not. Check the local papers for that. Sorry for the confusion. I'd like to apologize to the U.S. government who is monitoring everything I write from this day forward. I'm not a terrorist, nor do I have the means or ambition to strike terror in anyone anyway. I will not be paying my student loans anytime soon. Sorry. I'd like to apologize to my family. This is what happens when you mix genes. Better luck next time. I'd like to apologize to Dave Barry. He's a fine writer, and I'm sorry his loyal readers stumbled upon my live journal. It's a simple mistake. I'd like to apologize to Kevin, to whom I promised to change his name to protect his innocence, and to also remove him from any affiliation with the term "Gang Raping Three British POW's". I lied Kevin. Sucker.
Seriously though, terrorism sucks. Stop it. Douchebags.